What Makes A Bully?

Typically, the tendency to bully is brought about by four factors in the child's environment:

1. The child's temperament, or personality – Bullies tend to be aggressive and impulsive, and have little empathy or regard for the feelings of others. They are used to getting their way, and they are usually confident and physically strong.
2. The environment in the home, including parenting style, supervision and attitudes about violence– Often, bullies are spanked or even physically abused at home. They might also witness domestic violence between other family members. Violence is modeled in the home as a way of solving problems or getting others to behave in a certain way. Additionally, there is typically a lack of supervision in the bully's home, as well as a lack of warmth and kindness.
3. Standards, consequences and culture in the school– Sadly, some school employees ignore bullying behaviors. Children may be admonished for "tattling." Also, unfortunately at some schools, the atmosphere might be negative, with few consequences for aggressive or violent behavior, as well as low academic and behavioral standards for the students. The school might also reward only certain select groups of students, such as the athletes, the wealthier or more popular students, or the best scholars. Such schools marginalize students who do not fit into these select groups, and lack an atmosphere of inclusion and cooperation.
4. The child's peer group– Other children in the school or neighborhood might support behavior that harasses, abuses or excludes others. Children might try to fit in with his or her peers by joining in on the bullying behavior, adopting a gang mentality and victimizing a few select children.

Many times advise to victims of the bullies is, "Stand up to him. Bullies are really insecure on the inside and if you just stand up to him once, he'sll back down."  In the animated show, “The Simpsons”, in which Bart was being tormented by a bully. That was the advice give to him. Bart muster up the courage to confront his bully and the result was he made the bully even angrier and paid the price.

Studies have shown that bullies usually have an average or inflated sense of self-esteem. We've all heard of the conceited, cruel, group of girls who delight in tormenting more awkward classmates. Bullies often have dominant personalities and may be physically stronger than most children. They often have difficulty following rules. They may be defiant toward adults. A positive attitude toward violence, tendency to get frustrated easily, and belief that others will pick on them, are all characteristic of children who bully.

These are often children who are "hot-headed". They may be unable to understand the emotions of others. Often, bullies come from homes where they witness and/or experience violence and/or abuse. Bullies are often from homes where parental involvement, nurturing, and supervision are lacking. Some bullies may have disorders that contribute to their aggressive behavior. Disorders such as anti-social personality disorder and ADHD are examples. Bullies are said to feel little responsibility for their own actions.

Of course, anyone who has experienced even verbal bullying may have seen that bullies can perceive threat when there is none. When they do, they react. With their often dominant personalities, bullies want to be Number One. While most of us would think of "Number One" in terms of "highest achiever in class" or "best soccer player", bullies may have a completely different set of values with regard to the trait or skill in which they want to be Number One. Depending on what the bully values, s/he may see threat in any number of traits or behaviors of others. The bully who has trouble in school (and many do) may see threat from the child who excels. The muscular girl who sees threat in the daintiness of another girl may select that girl as her victim. 

Belief that bullying behavior is "just kids' stuff" and that boys will boys can contribute to the creation of bullies. A widespread acceptance of toys that encourage violence and violent thinking also has consequences, in terms of violent and aggressive behavior being seen as part of normal childhood, as well as children's not seeing violence as anti-social. Contrary to the belief that bullying behavior is just part of childhood, bullies are more likely to grow up to have criminal records by age 30, beat their wives, and/or abuse their children.

Lack of supervision can contribute to the problem of bullying in two ways: 1) Poorly supervised setting allow more opportunity for bullying, and 2) children who are not properly supervised by parents do not learn proper behavior. Since their behavior does not win them friends, bullies can become outcasts. The world they see is a world that doesn't like them. Bullies can be more likely to suffer from depression and suicidal tendencies.

During early childhood bullies, unlike most other people, have not developed the normal self-restraint associated with aggressive behavior.  Even if it is now known that bullies are not sheep in wolves' clothing, age-old beliefs that underneath the aggressive behavior lies a damaged and small person are not completely inaccurate. 

What a Parent of a Young Bully Should Do

A parent who observes his child pushing, hitting, threatening, cruelly teasing, name calling, humiliating or purposely excluding others can be relatively certain that his child a bully – or well on his way to becoming one. Steps should be taken to curb the behavior while the child is young; by late elementary or middle school, parents have far less control over their child's behavior.

• The child should be made immediately aware that the behavior will not be allowed to continue. He should be instructed to stay away from anyone who he has bullied or harassed, and should stay away from friends who are bullying others.
• Do not use violence, such as hitting or verbal attacks, to discipline a child. A child needs to know and believe that intentionally hurting others is simply not okay. This non-violent behavior should be modeled by the parents/guardians and other family members. Parenting classes can be helpful ways to learn how to discipline and set limits and boundaries for children without resorting to hitting or verbal abuse.
• Require that the child make amends to his victims by apologizing, or replacing any damaged or stolen toys or clothing. He should pay for these things with his own money; if he doesn't have money, he should earn it by doing chores at home. This teaches that there are natural consequences to bullying behavior.
• Help the child learn to empathize with others. In other words, assist the child in "walking a mile in someone's shoes," imagining what it must feel like to be on the victim side of the bullying situation. Children need to know that their behaviors have an impact on others.
• Don't negatively label a child. Saying "Steve is just a tough kid," or "Kim is very selfish" simply encourages a child to live up to that label. A better approach is, "You're a good kid, Steve, but hitting is wrong and hurts others."
• Limit – or eliminate – the child's exposure to violent TV shows, movies and video games; much of the violence in the media glorifies violence as a way to solve problems or get what you want.
• Seek out the help of a counselor. Stopping bullying behavior, especially if the child is older, can be difficult; it takes time, effort and consistency. Parents need guidance and support in such situations. Contact the school's principal and inform them that the family is working to change the child's unkind behaviors. This creates a wrap-around team of support for the child to make good behavioral choices, both at home and at school.

Caught early, bullying behaviors can be corrected and changed, just like any other habit or behavior pattern. It takes effort, consistency and support from the home and school, but even older kids can be taught not to bully with the right intervention and adequate time.  At all times, the child should be closely supervised by a parent, guardian, or other trusted adult who is on board with the plan to restructure the child's aggressive behaviors.

After all the aggressions cruelety of the bully, they were at one time very small children, who never quite learned the meaning and value of kindness; or how it feels to be a part of the world, rather than threatened by society.